This morning I woke up. Ate breakfast. Drank coffee. Bought cigarettes. Camel Lights. $10.50 for twenty cigarettes in a pack. You do the math.

This is the first pack of cigarettes I have bought in over a year. I have not smoked one single cigarette since January 16, 2009. Today, January 16, 2010, is my one year anniversary of being a non-smoker. I smoked for over ten years. Ten years!

I bought the Camels from my neighborhood corner bodega and walked back home. I felt very odd and awkward with this pack burning a whole in my bag. Guilty. Gross. Reminded. Remembering. Conscious of the weight I was carrying. Tucked into my bag. Again...

But this time it was different. I bought this pack to shoot it. Destroy it. Break every last cigarette. Crumble the tobacco. Crush the cardboard pack with that ridiculous camel (which by the way really does have a naked man hidden in it). Create something beautiful out of what was such an ugly habit. I will admit I had a difficult time. To have a history with and disgust for something so vile and to make it beautiful or worth anything is not easy.

It felt good. I feel good. No more snide comments and remarks from random sidewalk strangers (assholes). No more eye rolls, lip snarls, and dirty looks. No more sneaking out for a cigarette break. Standing in the freezing cold. Fingers frostbit. Reeking of smoke, much like a chemical plant. Needing a cigarette first thing in the morning. Needing a cigarette at all. Needing. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Self-Conscious. Unhealthy. Coughing. $$$$. Ashtray kisses. Disgusting. Puke. I hated being a smoker.

Now it's compliments from friends and family. Bright eyes. Smooth skin. Breathing. Breathing. Breathing. Clear. Air. Clean. Fresh. Running. Running. Running. Eating. Tasting food. Warm rooms. Warm light. Warm friends. No thought of leaving, sneaking outside. Free. In control. Head held high. Money in pocket. Laugh. Smile. Kisses. Kisses. Kisses...

I truly know and feel with every organ in my body that I will never smoke another cigarette again in my entire life. Never. Ever. Again. I feel good. I feel fucking great!

-Dedicated to Grandma.  I miss you.  I love you.

No comments:

Post a Comment